I’m not immune to the pressures of society. The way it makes you feel like you’ve always gotta be chasing something, a job, a career, a partner, a house etc. The way it tricks us into thinking that the biggest prize is one that can be gained externally. About 10 years ago, I was given the greatest gift of all, a week of complete inner peace. As I became consciously aware of how different I felt in that week than I had ever felt before, I knew that my true goal was never going to be about anything external. I wanted that level of peace for the rest of my life.
In that time, I was going through a big breakup. I had known the person for most of my life, and at least for all of the parts that really counted up until then. I mourned the friendship lost maybe even more than the partnership. I began to cope with how I was feeling with meditation. I’d notice my mind get busy with so many thoughts that spiraled me into sadness, and I’d set the timer on my phone for whatever amount of time I felt I had to devote to stillness and quieting my mind. One minute, ten, fifteen, sometimes twenty five. I used meditation as a way to snap me out of it, a way to quiet the internal storm of my mind. I wasn’t meditating to gain “enlightenment” or to be in other places. I did it strictly to clear my mind of negative chatter about the situation.
Looking back, I feel like this went on for a week or two. I didn’t track how long. I wasn’t doing it for an outcome, but wow when the effects of my actions landed, I was struck with amazement. I viewed the situation and my life as if I was a drone, steadily holding space above and outside of my emotions and thoughts about it in the moment. I had a bigger picture perspective of myself and the situation, and I knew that everything was happening just as it needed to for our growth and evolution as people. It wasn’t personal, it was expansion.
Sometimes when we have known someone for so long, we can become a bit dependent on them for holding us up when we fall down. It can become a crutch of sorts that prevents us from really stepping into our own power and learning to be there for ourselves. I love connecting deeply with people. It’s one of my favorite things and greatest joys. The last several years took me to a place of deep solitude and introspection as the life I knew was stripped away and I had no choice but to discover the new version of me that had developed through all of my experiences in this life. It made me really examine the person that I was, the way I defined myself and life. It caused me to dig deep into what I was passionate about, what my deepest dreams for my life were. At the bottom of solitude, I found versions of creativity I had never explored before. I allowed myself to create my home EXACTLY as I wanted it. I traded conventional for individual. I started sleeping in a hammock every night. I surrounded myself with plants and bright colors. I left my art supplies out on my drafting table to spark my creativity whenever I was home. I experimented by following through on every creative idea I got. I tuned out the outside world and I dove into myself.
It didn’t always feel great. I had a lot of shadow aspects of myself and my reality that I was forced to confront during that time. Grief surfaced when the distance between my son and I physically grew. Regrets revealed themselves. Insecurities made themselves known. When I wasn’t working, I was creating or resting. I created an oasis in my little 16’x16’ studio apartment. It became my sanctuary of rest, inner exploration and creativity. I filled my life outside of work with things I loved. I danced, I drummed, and I went to every live show that I could. I cleared limiting beliefs during Holographic Kinetics that had been preventing my Spirit from changing my reality.
I took each step as they appeared. There was no defining moment, just a spiraling staircase home to my own power that was earned through inspired action bit by bit. I painted, danced, cleared, rested, napped and cocooned myself into the peace that I glimpsed more than 10 years ago. I didn’t hustle. I didn’t force. I didn’t seek validation or answers from anyone but myself. I turned the radio dial away from outside noise and adjusted it to my own Spirit only and I listened. I listened to Spirit through tears, through fear, through doubt. I had intuitive knowings guiding me. I asked questions and began to feel the answers immediately. I asked for things and had them appear. I held a vision and cleared anything that could prevent it. I moved from trusting to knowing that all I was envisioning wasn’t just possible, but that my future self was already living it and was pulling me towards it with each step I was brave enough to take.
Nothing we do has to make sense to anyone but ourselves. The opinions of our friends and family are just that, opinions. I feel deeply grateful for the few close friends I have that not only see me at the core of who I am, but encourage me to pursue my creativity and passions. I am happy to be spending time in person with them while visiting one of my absolute favorite places on earth, Australia! We are each born into this life alone, in our own time and we each will ultimately die alone in our own time. We are the only ones we will have to answer to when the end comes. The conversations have already happened, the studies are public knowledge, no one gets to the end of life placing any importance on their material gains. The stuff we accumulate will mean nothing in the end. The inner peace, the experiences that lit us up from the inside, the connections we cultivated with others and ourselves, the growth in our consciousness that came from viewing things as a drone with a wide angle lens, these are the things that matter most in my opinion.
We each chose to come into this life, into our specific families and bodies. We CHOSE this experience as a Spirit that was excited to come and experience all that this reality has to offer. There is meaning to everything, purpose in every event in our lives. It’s a conscious choice to see it that way. Peace doesn’t come from avoiding the ride or shunning our feelings. To me, peace comes when we allow everything to be as it is and we move on the path as if everything is not just working out for us, but that it is always being created BY us. Our whole life can change with one decision, one action. What action will align you with the biggest dream vision for your life? Take it. You have everything to gain!
Heal into Balance | Holographic Kinetics 